Like We Never Loved At All

Hmmm... have been listening to my "extensive"media library... words of this song just kinda appealed to me. Seems apt to post a song after my karaokae session last night.

Like We Never Loved At All - Faith Hill

You never looked so good as you did last night
underneath the city lights
there walking with your friend
laughing at the moon.
I swear you looked right through me
But I’m still living with your goodbye
and you’re just going on with your life.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye
Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me
Maybe that’s just your way
of dealing with the pain
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all

You, I hear you’re doing fine
Seems like you’re doing well
as far as I can tell
Time is leaving us behind
(time – leaving us behind)
another week has passed
and still I haven’t laughed yet
So tell me, what your secret is
(I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know)
to letting go, letting go like you did
like you did.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that’s just your way
of dealing with the pain
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all

Did you forget the magic
Did you forget the passion
Oh, and did you ever miss me
and long to kiss me?
Oh baby, baby.

Maybe that’s just your way
of dealing with the pain
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

By the way, had a long beer session last night... Interesting conversation. If only people are always so honest with one another

True Friendship

Is a mixture of acceptance, understanding and willingness to just be there.

It is a matter of not judging, and not letting your own social views override your ability to listen.

Like being in a relationship, maintaing a close friendship needs some form of balance. I really don't think that you can ever split any relationship into equal parts... just like a couple living together cannot every be able to do an equal amount of housework, it really is not possible for friends to split "responsibilities" into equal parts. So, again, things work out only when there is a little of "give and take", and when you accept each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Think it's again a case of things sounding easier than it seems. Would like to think that I have realized the importance of friendship in the past couple of years, and that I've tried to be that "true friend" to a select group of people who are important to me.

A little thing happened yesterday that unsettled me... not a very big issue, but yes, it unsettled me nonetheless. So I made a phone call, and I guess the response I got at the other end prompted this blog. Think that for some reason or other, have always been someone who laughs more than I cry. Yes, when things crop up, I do my fair share of whining, bitching, etc... but I guess I try not to break down. Somehow, somewhere, someone once taught me that to show all emotions was a sign of weakness... maybe now I may know better, but somethings just don't change.

Think I've pretty much admitted to myself and to a few others that I've lived a pretty messed up life from 16 to 23??? And the past three years at least has been this process of me trying very much to pick up these little pieces and putting them back together. I don't think that I've actually every tried talking to anyone about those few years... yes, factually I have... but never really about how I FELT about those years. Looking back, I am oft amazed that I'm still here...

There are a few people out there whom I thought understood. That there is no need for me to cry, to "drown my sorrows", to literally break down, for them to realize that things matter to me. And that though I can smile... it's really rather superfical. Guess I just realized that that may not be the case, and at the end of the day, a person is judged by his or her reactions.

Amazing... when you look around you, there are those who have really "felt", and then there are those whereby emotions are only skin deep. And funnily enough, understanding comes in the most unexpected ways. Would like to thank a really special friend whom I have known for the past 9 /10 years... Gal, can still remember when I first told you all... at Canteen B and the stunned look on your face. Think till this day, alot of what I said and what you witnessed thereafter is incomprehensible to you... but still you tried to just be there... think there were many a time in the past couple of years when you told me that you may not understand, and that my actions were not something that you would have done, but you will be there anyways... Yup, think I really really do appreciate your ability to just be there for me regardless of, and that you always accept who I am...

Sometimes I just go looking for trouble

Yup.... think the title really says it all. So yes, it was during lunch yet again, when R commented that he has the habit of reading a person's past blog... like all the way back to year x. So, with nothing very interesting to do at work... I decided to actually take a look at a certain person's blog. Must confess that I must have had his blog address since he started it... like way back in 2004, but I have never ever looked at it. Why so? Simply because prior to S sending me her blogsite, I have never had much interest in blogs. Yes, I did read the random country bashing pieces that get circulated via mass mail... but that was about it.

Boy was I in for a shock... think I found that throughout the past year... there were just some oblique references to me. And I guess, I found myself walking down memory lane as well. That, as any intelligent person will tell you, is a sure spell for trouble. Sometimes, looking back into your past is never the best of ideas... it is turbulent. Still remember how we met, and how a night of caustic remarks turned into months of discussions... think there really was an understanding then.

Reading the blog... well, guess I never knew that he cared. Yes, I got the occassional messages over the past few years... but as that usually came at 3am in the morning, when he is not in the most lucid of states... I nicely dismissed them as drunken ramblings. Assuming then that his blogs were posted in a clearer state, guess maybe I was mistaken after all.

Well, for those that were with me through my "decadent" years... bet you are all laying bets as to who this guy is. :) To him, just have this to say: know that you've seen some of my blogs... well, hope you read this as well. Thanks for always thinking of me, and trying to be there for me. Guess you should know how I feel about my life now, since we had a pretty good talk not so very long ago. Sorry for having been so dense... sometimes I am like a guy, need to be hit on the head. Think you know my wishes for you as well, tried telling you about a million times in the past couple of years, but stubbornly... you will just tune me out.

Yes... I know... I am a born nag...

Office Romance or not?

So, it was just another lunch time conversation (just love lunch times, dinner times and beer times, perfect for pointless aimless rambling blog inducing conversations), and the three of us were talking about *duh* relationships! And somehow or other, we started talking about the sacred, forbidden "office relationships"... or rather, the concept of "shitting in your own backyard".

So obviously I started thinking about well... my own working life to date... and you know what? I don't really think I am against the concept of dating a colleague. After all, after uni, if you don't date a colleague... there really isn't that much of a chance to get to know people is there?

So I haven't really tried dating a colleague... but perhaps that is more of a case of timing rather than any other circumstance. My two previous jobs were of the 12 to 16 hour a day variety, and they were the kind that had limited contact to the "outside" world. True, I had clients, but clients were oft twice my age, married and with kids... or the married but its a secret so I can play the field variety. So assuming that I was single at that time... wouldn't the best chance to get myself attached be looking at my fellow colleagues?

Hmmm... one of the most oft heard reasons for not dating a colleague is "think of what happens and how ugly it can be when you guys break up". Hee... why is it that we all go into a relationship thinking of the worst? This is really the epitome of scenario planning. But gee... think about it, what happens if it all works out? If I really think about it, there really is much to argue for dating a colleague. See, he / she will understand what you are talking about, be it the good things or the bad... when recalling an incident, you won't need to (a) introduce the characters; (b) give relevant background, or worse, (c) justify how you feel.

So yeah... think I've stated my case. At the end of the day, if the shoe fits, why have so many quandries?

Diet Starts Today...

Yup! You heard it first... am going on a two week "diet"... by my standards. This is the equivalent of no chocolates, no ice creams and no cakes!!!

Why so? Well... first it was Christmas celebrations, then soon it will be New Year... then Chinese New Year!!! I so wanna eat my pineapple tarts (okay, I confess... have already finished two boxes of those tarts). The resultant effect of my pigging out before, during and after Christmas is that I am now nursing a sore throat, a runny nose and a headache... frustrating, but I just cannot stop eating once you put chocs in front of me!!!

Thus, in the interest of (a) being able to eat the delicious goodies during chinese new year; (b) fitting into my clothes after chinese new year... we shall go on above said diet. The alternative is to get a new wardrobe... but since my bonus was so negligible this year... this is not an option!

For now, am crossing my fingers that I will be able to uphold this "resolution". Yes, can hear everyone laying bets that I will not be able to achieve this already. Sighs...

A 'Serious' Conversation

So... it was 10pm at night when I popped my head into mummy's room after coming back from Christmas shopping (finally!), and she pats the bed and told me to have a seat... "oops!" was the first thought that came to mind. Dad was out of town, and I guess Mummy just wanted someone to share her joy, after all she finally received the long awaited "letter". Those old friends of mine will know that whilst my family typically has long dinner conversations every Sunday, my parents and I normally refrain from having heart to heart conversations, or woman to woman conversations. That privilege is reserved for my sister. :) My parents put it all down to my stubborn, headstrong, private nature... I put it down to being the older sibling in the family.

Well, last night was one of those out of the blue nights... mum took it upon herself to talk to me about relationships (past and present), weddings, houses and the future in general. (now you know why I try to avoid these conversations in so far as much as possible). We actually sat down and discussed my plans for the future... along the lines of, do i like my job, when do I intend to move out, what kind of house am I looking for, do I have enough $$ (in other words, stress!)

Highlight of the conversation was actually towards the end... (all in chinese)

Mum: "You really do seem happier with Jules than M"

Me: (stunned) "Yeah"

Mum: "Well, Dad and I are glad that you are happier now. He seems to treat you well, that is good. "

Me: (speechless)

Think my mum just pulled a fast one over me. It's the first time I've ever heard anything nice from my parents about Jules... know they were rather upset over my breakup with M previously. They never really bothered to hide the fact that he was the "son-in-law" to them, and the comparisms between the two were endless... so, well, I guess my parents have finally moved on... I am still speechless

Wherein is that Christmas Feeling?

What do you know? It's Christmas time again... but... I don't feel it!!! Rather ironic really, considering that this time round, my office is situated just on the fringe of Orchard Road... the heart of Singapore Christmas! Have not bought any christmas presents this year... I wonder why... just too lazy to drag my butt down and squeeze in that crowd! I have not even gone shopping for anything for myself in a while (well, except for my seven book spree). Must be the distinct lack of any bonus that has curbed my usual need to go shopping during Christmas.

Been filled with extreme negative thoughts lately. Have been rather... *gasp*... dare I say it, vindictive? Yup! Filled with petty thoughts, really do need to change my mindset. Have not been doing work, have been grouchy, been close to tears. Am I finally suffering from the much heard about PMS? :)

Guess it's more like no one has had any good news of late. Everywhere I turn, everyone seems to be "in a bad state". Deadlines, relationship woes, bosses that don't understand... somehow, no one seems happy this year. And yes, the kaypoh me has heard a good share of this year's problems, and they are getting to me!!! (My eyes don't feel twinkly anymore) Disgruntlement seems to be abound this Christmas... when is Santa coming? Time to dig out my stash of happy sparkles and sprinkle them around. Hope that everyone has received my Christmas cards by now... and hopefully, that is enough to bring a little smile to everyone's face... even for a short second... after all, it's christmas.

Peeved

It's Tuesday... a working morning... and I am taking some time off work? Why so? Because I am none too pleased.... boss just told me something this morning. She has reshuffled our duties yet again. It's very frustrating. To top it off, was on mc yesterday, still not feeling too good today... feeling weak all over, as though my body cannot support me yet... wonder if this is how babies feel when they are hungry.

Not sure if anyone else understands my frustration. Ever had a boss that likes to change your portfolio every two weeks? Well, mine does... maybe not my portfolio to be exact, but she really does like to change her mind. And this is starting to affect me... because week 1, I am supposed to write a paper advocating a certain action, come week 2, I am now against the action. And I am not in some fancy corporate company when we are totally dependent on business movements, and therefore my actions need to change correspondingly, this is all totally dependent on one person's management and risk appetite.

So what happens today is that I am now told that since my two corporate programmes are over, I can take back a certain section of my work... the dreaded payment checking. Firstly, I do not think that I ever did my corporate programme stuff during working hours (except during the last week of D&D); secondly, corporate programmes were never the reason why payment checking was taken off my portfolio; thirdly, she got someone else to do the system administration part of my portfolio, which she just assigned to me a week ago!!!

The frustration lies not really in the increase in work, but the fact that your job scope keeps changing. So there I was the last week reading up on the system, and before I could try anything hands on, it has been taken off again. This is not the first time... and it really irks me when I have planned my work, done some research, only to start from ground zero again. To a certain extent, it is a waste of time.

Chancing upon an old haunt

For those of you who knew me during my audit days, guess you must be really familiar with my old haunt. I think nary a week went by back then when I wasn't having a drink with my colleagues at Embargo. Well, the said establishment closed down about a year ago, and slowly, but surely, I guess it faded from all our memories.

Was celebrating a friend's birthday at One Fullerton last night, and happened to walk past Embargo's old premises. There's a new pub there now, and... the furniture inside has not changed! It was really like walking down memory lane, whereby the decor, the surroundings remained status quo, but the difference was in the crowd.

Couldn't help but remember the good old days when we used to have dinner at Embargo before going back to work... Yes, Embargo was our favourite dinner spot, as it boasted good chicken wings, pizzas and other tapas. Of course, it never did hurt that it was one of the few places back then that served Hoegarden and Stella on tap. Think I've lost count on the many jugs that were consumed... hmmm... why is it that I can't drink anymore these days?

Well, time has passed, and although the decor is still around, guess most of us have left the company. In fact, of the drinking gang, I think I am the only one left in Singapore. Amazing... everyone has gone off to pursue their dreams, dreams that we all shared, perhaps, in a way, I just chose to go off on a tangent.

Guess I've kind of lost touch with most of the group... all except for this little bro of mine who is in England. Really not sure when I'll ever meet him again... perhaps, when I finally get to realize that childhood fantasy of mine and pay a visit to the country of castles and fairies? (blame it on Enid Blyton)

Anyways, going home last night, I suddenly thought of a "poem" that really depicted how I felt...

去年今日此门中
人面桃花相映红
人面不知何处去
桃花依旧笑春风

Surprised? Hee... so am I

My Suzy Zoo Stickers are here!!!

Aren't my stickers cute!!! They arrived just a couple of weeks ago, and I have been itching to take a photo of them! Ta da! I actually spent quite a bit of time searching round Singapore for this. They used to be sold at quite a few places, in fact, 10 years ago, there was a full Suzy Zoo shop at Tanglin Mall. Alas, I guess the following here is small, and one by one, the little shops carrying these stickers have disappeared. Thank goodness for e-shopping.

Next up? Using these stickers on the christmas cards! So, you guys will probably receive a sticker each sometime soon

Pitter Patter... songs from the heart

Okay... so it is happening again... not too long ago since I had this feeling of "excitement". Actually, things are happening really fast... and I guess I've not had a chance to really think about things. Ooohh.. December is gonna be an interesting month indeed!!! So what is it? Well, gonna make everyone wait with me.. and be kept in suspense! All will be known in one week. :)

Eventful Weekend

All right... I am now totally buckered, bushwhacked and doggone tired... It's been a long time since I stayed up two nights in a row, but I did that this weekend... and I really have no choice but to admit that I'm old. :) And... although I did have fun, am so glad that the events of the the weekend are finally over!!!

Friday was Dinner n Dance, and to those members of the DnD com that actually read my blog, guys: am glad we pulled it off, no matter the comments!!! Must admit that I was slightly nervous about this Dinner n Dance, after all, us, the organising committee, never ever had a full attendance during our meetings. Usually, this spells trouble, and I think that nearing the week, tensions were running high as very few people actually knew what they were supposed to be doing that day! Amazingly, I think that everyone finally did get their act together, and all in, we did the best that we could. Of coz there were the usual screw ups, emcee coming late, no rehearsal, etc, etc... but obviously nothing that could not be handled by an effective, organised committee... haha!

Was fretting terribly on Friday coz I had nothing to wear. Yes, I know I bought a dress for the event, but beng the usual me, I chickened out at the last minute, and decided on wearing a simple black shapeless but comfortable number instead. Had this fear that I would end up wearing the same dress as a hundred other gals, but I should have realised that I come from a company of gals who could really "dress", pun intended... so no fears that there were others who would have wanted to hide behind a curtain.

Sat came, and it was my first ever ZoukOut! I confess that I have never really entertained the idea of going to such an event, and although I doubt that I'll ever go again, must say that I did enjoy myself. After five years, the queue management was still rather pathetic, and I really wished I took a photo of the toilets! In my humble opinion, the event organizer should really look into the toilet situation next year... coz it really actually has an impact on their revenue. :) Simple logic: the worse the toilet condition, the less people would like to visit the toilet, the less people drink, the less the revenue.

All in though, it was rather fun seeing my colleagues party away... and, since we were all at the Mambo tent, it was really like seeing how they behaved 10 years ago when they visited Mambo.. hee, some things just never change. Took the opportunity to catch up on some gossip, get to know some new people, and to hone my dancing skills.

Highlight of my weekend though was the two hours that I spent at Kinokuniya! They were having a 20% discount... and I just went slightly crazy, poring over the different books, searching for what I wanted. Pure bliss... left with seven books, and of coz a significant damage to my pocket. :)

But now that all the activity is over, and miraculously, I am not suffering from any aching muscles, I am seriously looking forward to spending the next weekend quietly, at home, reading my books, and of course, finishing those Christmas cards!

Birthday Blues

Yes Yes... I know that my birthday has gone and past, but just about a week ago... these thoughts were swimming in my head... I've finally realized why people can go into depression. All along, I must confess that I'm not the kind that has too much sympathy for people who suffer from depression as I've been trained by me mum to think that there are always others worse than you, so what are you griping for? Well, just a week ago, it all started to make sense.

It all started with me thinking "Bday is coming soon... should I even bother to celebrate"; and then there was a pause... what am I celebrating actually? Bonus was just announced on that day, and it was the most pathetic bonus that I've received in years, and apparently we are having our highest tourism figures in a decade! So I started thinking, what have I done this entire year. I've switched jobs (from work that I enjoyed to something that I am struggling with), I'm earning less, I'm really growing old, losing my energy, it's harder to stop myself from putting on weight, my skin is starting to show signs of age, I set out to do two things in this year and I've not accomplished either... oh my, one thought just "piled" on the other... and I started feeling really quite down.

So I kinda figured, this is what depression is about... you just keep thinking unhappy thoughts. I could easily see this year in another light, e.g. that I've got more time in my hands workwise, I actually have time to think about what I am doing, work is about applying what I've studied, etc... but no, it was only the negative nature that was coming through. Can imagine someone thinking these sad thoughts all the time, not to mention the constant stress that is just part and parcel of life, it really can make one miserable... no wonder our suicide rate is increasing.

All in all, that was just my quarter life crisis taking place, luckily, this happens to me only once a year... since bday, I've been my usual chirpy self again! Resolution for the new year: I'll try harder to listen and understand when others complain. Figured that sometimes the best way out of depression is for you to be around good friends!

I need to find time... priorities

Help... am drowning... and think so are my colleagues. Think we need to have more than 24 hour days... I can't decide what I should be doing with my time at all? For example, it's lunch hour now, should I go for lunch, should I stay in and blog down an entry, should I start writing my Christmas cards, read my book, or simply just try and finish my work so that I can go home and have dinner with my mum as I promised?
So life has plenty of obligations, tasks, and other stuff... there's work, and there's sleep... my problem, I think I need to do too much with too little time. Theorectically, work is supposed to be a nine hour affair, with two extra hours for travelling... and you are left with thirteen... unfortunately, I need plenty of sleep, let's say eight hours, and you are left with six.... two hours to get ready for work / for bed... and you are left with four. What can you then do with four hours? Read a book, spend time with the family, spend time with friends, go to the gym, go swim, I'm sure you get the picture, my list is endless...
Worse... this is the ideal situation... reality... work takes like 14 hours plus travelling on the average, which leaves you with next to nothing after sleep. Right now, really trying to figure out what is "good to do", what is "need to do", and this applies in all aspects of my life. At work, what "has to be done", what "can be done later", what is just my perfectionist and control freak nature coming through... which friends are the ones that I don't wanna neglect, which are the appointments that I can push aside... can I survive with less sleep, should I stop being such a busy body at work and just do what I can and nothing more, should I bother writing christmas cards this year, or should I just be like everyone else and forget about doing such a thankless task...
In case anyone who is reading this has not realized, I am just being a whiner here... :) just feel like I am drowning and need to let it out somehow, but as always... once I'm done complaining, it's time to just pick myself up and continue to clear stuff... so for all those who have actually read till this stage, wow.. thanks!

Catching Up With Old Friends

Managed to keep to my new list of priorities and had dinner with two really old friends from my JC days yesterday. I actually can't quite remember when was the last time we actually had such a long extended conversation... perhaps ten years back? Got home feeling rather happy as it was one of those occassions where no one was in any rush to make it to another appointment, it was time set aside simply for the purpose of catching up. Really enjoyed the conversation, we weren't really talking about anything serious, but it was vaguely reminiscent of JC GP class, where we were simply discussing our views on various issues... for fear of being called an elitist here, I will just state that it's been a long time since I have had such an open discussion, perhaps coz the people and schools that I attended after JC were just of the variety which was unaccustomed to open discussion.
Ten years, wow.. if I ever needed proof that I am really growing old. It's funny how people change over time. Think I found out things about my friends yesterday which I never knew before. Things that were a "secret" in your young years for fear of what others may think of you, which in your "maturity", you realize that friends aren't meant to judge you.
Was really nice meeting up with them... can't quite explain why, but I guess it has to do with that familarity, and of watching each other grow up through the years. These days when you meet someone new, you are more inclined to be wary, as there are just so many other considerations, and you are always on the look out for sensitive issues (office politics, client gossip, etc), but with old friends, I guess you are assured of a certain amount of sincerity.
Everyone seems to have moved onto a different path in life. Here's hoping that all of us will still maintain contact, and that we won't have to wait for another 10 years before having such a good catch up session.

Eating Grasshoppers

Was just looking through my Koh Lanta photos... Yes, I've finally downloaded the photos from the camera, and came across the photos of us eating GRASSHOPPERS!!! Imagine for all of 10 Baht, you get a packet of cruncy fried grasshoppers dipped in some brown sweet sauce... yummy... haha... think this could make an episode for fear factor.
It all started with the four of us walking through the mud soaked pasar malam. As per my previous post, there really isn't much to do in Koh Lanta at night. This particular night market was frequented by many a local, pretty much like our pasar malams here in Singapore. There were the normal amusement rides and games, stalls selling T-shirts, gifts, household items, etc... and than we came across this"delicacy".
On first sight of the plates of neatly stacked worms, cockroaches and grasshoppers... first reaction was "yucks"! (check them out in the photo!) Then began a dare of who would dare to eat any of the items displayed... at the end of the day, the grasshoppers looked the most palatable of the lot... and we all decided to give it a shot much to the amusement of the stall vendors. I think they were all laughing at the commotion that we were making... all for a few grasshoppers.
Verdict: The grasshoppers really taste quite good... crunchy and all, rather like the packets of chips that you can find in the supermarkets... it's the accompaning sauce that I find rather dodgy... and nope, I really don't wanna know what goes into the sauce.

The correct time to write

Not sure if any other bloggers experience this... but why is it that the "inspiration" to write always comes whenever I don't have access to my blog? Life has been jam packed of late... been running around at work, and been spending more time with Jules after work (it's court holidays of sorts, and for once, he seems to be knocking off earlier than me on a perpetual basis). As such, I've had no spare time at work or after work to "pen" down my thoughts. Truth to be told, most of the time, my brain is too occupied to think about blogging. But lo and behold, for the past week or so, just as my head is about to touch the pillow, I find myself doing a running blog commentary ... but of course, I'm too lazy to climb up and record whatever I'm thinking of. My last conscious thought before I sleep... "hmmm... great idea, shall log it down in the blog tomorrow whilst eating breakfast"
So... this has been going on for a week, and the next morning, as I'm having breakfast at my workstation... my mind is a complete blank. Vaguely remember thinking that I had this "thing" that I wanted to log down, but for now, there is nothing that I can remember. If this isn't a sign of old age, I really don't know what is.
At the end of the day, I know that there isn't a correct time to write... just rather infuriating that the mind is often playing tricks on me... must find a way to improve memory, whilst I am at it, must find a way to remember dreams as well. Have this bizarre notion that I have been dreaming alot of late... the only explanation as to why I'm always so tired when I wake up. :)