Depression

Depression

Is like a figure lurking in the shadows
At times it creeps quietly up
At times it hurls itself at you
However the attack, often we are caught unawares
Unprepared in the face of it
A person's baser instinct unfolds

Often felt that it's how a person copes with the problems in life that tells much of a person. Often we may appear capable, calm... but how really does one react when one is alone and away from the public glare? In the past month, have seen a lot of my colleagues struggle with the growing number of resignations. On the surface, everyone appears to be taking things in their stride, but on closer interactions, you sense that morale is at a all time low.

Mayhaps my boss is right about me after all... and that I am too much of a people person, and too affected by the moods of others. Have been struggling to be bouyant in office and assuring everyone that I'll try and handover things properly. However, truth is, I do feel rather helpless... there's just so much that is out of my control. A concerned colleague read the blog post yesterday and asked if I was very bitter about my experience here. Answer frankly is no... but I just find that it's a waste... as I think we have admirable goals here, and we do attract a rather talented workforce... however, guess you need to practice all those things that you learnt in Management 101 in order to retain the workfocre. It's a pity when everyone around you is working on a day to day basis... it just drains out whatever passion there is in you. I maintain that only the most disciplined of people can attain a high standard of work here, and I've learnt that I just don't have what it takes.

I suspect that there are only one or two individuals who roughly know how I handle the little problems in my life... or also, how I tend to sink myself into problematic situations... this sight is never pretty, which is why it should always be meant only to be shown in the privacy of my room. :)

A Little Joke

Spotted this whilst flipping The Recruit on Saturday:

"You should have an accounting related degree, or equivalent, with at least 2 years of relevant experience. Excellent knowledge and experience in accounting and financial reporting principles are essential. You must be proactive, customer-focused and be able to respond to your customer's needs in a timely and systematic manner."

Suddenly everything is beginning to make more sense... you know how when you are looking for a job, you tend to not pay too much attention to the number of years experience that it requires as long as you are more or less (+-2 years) in the vicinity? Well, I've since learnt that it really matters...

Haha... the rest of the blog had to be deleted for fear of prosecution... courtesy of a friend.

Saturday Nights Alone Are Sad...

As we all can tell, I have been having "Me" time aplenty these days... yes, it's saturday night and I'm home alone. *sobs*

Now I know why single women bosses are so hard to work for. Because there is absolutely zilch to do on the Saturday nights! Even the television stations are in on this fact, so they don't ever show anything decent on tv. And thus the repressed and upset single women boss will need to find some way of venting their frustrations... easiest way, abuse of power.

Reason for me having so much time on hand? Jules has been piling on the hours at work these days, working the 7 days a week, 16 hours a day kind of life... Must admit that the first weekend I pretty much enjoyed having the "me" time... suddenly, I was able to finish reading my books, go cut my hair, have coffee with friends, go for my first facial in years... but now, *sighs* I swear I've run out of ideas. I could clean up my room, but I'm feeling lazy... go shopping, but it ain't fun shopping alone when you don't have much cash... *gee* yes, I am whining, but I sincerely think that this is the first time in donkey years that I have nought in my hands!

Typically, I either had single friends whom I could always count on for a cuppa, interesting work that kept me too occupied... so yes, this is a new expereience for me.

Okay, whining aside... am rather pissed with a certain individual... no one is gonna quite understand this, but I was under the distinct impression that we were quite close... but he's been attached for a couple of months already, and he has never ever told me!!! Feeling a little betrayed... Found out yesterday, when I met him with said gf and a group of others for a catch up session. Have not seen the majority of these folks in about a year. To think that when we first met, most of us were fresh from school... now everyone's sporting the extra flabs that can only be the result of desk bound work with plenty of "entertainment" duties.

Another little point to note... had one of my rare "walk-outs" yesterday. Walked from office to mrt (15 minutes), walked from City Hall to Paulaners (20 minutes), walked from Paulaners to Boat Quay (this one should be 30 minutes)... actually did feel quite good, since everything was done at night and not with hot sun blazing. Made me miss my morning walks from No. 3 to No. 5 for breakfast... and yes, made me miss my morning walk buddy. It was fun. :)

Just a Little Outing

Hmmm... went off work really early yesterday... 6pm! Had a little outing with some colleagues. Went to Mortons for Martinis... yummy... it was fun to just go off early and chill. One of them passed a comment that I was the oldest in the group. *Ouch* Actually, it was one of the few times that the fact dawned upon me. Gee... thus far in my working experience, I've been in environments whereby most of the people that I mixed with were older than me. After all, thanks to NS, the guys area already by default two years older.

So why wasn't I out with people of my own age? Sadly, I think that a good portion of my friends are "settled" by now... married, or at least, very much in the "marriage" state. No one wants to go out for a night of fun no more. So is it just me? Am I not "settled"? Gee... well, for now, I'll try and look at things in a positive light, and say that it's coz I'm still young at heart. *giggle*

All is Revealed

Hee... yes, time to tell all... well, actually... it's simply that I've tendered my resignation. :) So yes, as of 20th March, I'm free! from this stifling place. No more little squabbles over which of my job responsibilities are more important, etc, etc. Have had the chance to be in discussions with various places in the past two months or so, and yuppers... have landed myself a job. New job is quite unknown to me really, and hopefully, this will be my last foray into the wilderness. But well, all in, think there is a high chance I will learn alot from my new place.

Actually think that parents should really choose to let kids study subjects where their interests lie. For me, accounts was my parents choice... not mine. And I grew up to be such a non typical accountant. From my mum's point of view, she always felt that my departure from the sterotype would be my competitive advantage... however, in this job, I've really felt that it caused various biasness against me.

So well, cannot say that I've not learnt anything during my sojourn here. I think I've achieved little bits and pieces. To all of my "young" friends who have just entered the work force and think that they are wasting their time in this company. Seriously, I do not think that any experience in your life would be a waste of time. Mayhaps, you are not currently value adding to your resume, but, with each job, you will have learnt at least something about a work environment and your own skills and limitations. At the end of the day, to be successful in your future life, technical knowledge is only a component to success... other fundamentals such as human to human relationships may matter more. :)

My Humble Abode

Been meaning to do this for sometime now... just for the fun of it. :) After all, with property prices rising, have no idea when my parents are going to sell the place, and this will no longer going to be my little house in the forest.

Anyways, for all the nice folks who have dropped me off on various occasions. This is the sight that you see... (however, I suspect it's more oft in the dead of night)

Pretty ain't it... as far as I know, the trees are about 30 years old

Driveway... from inside... told you it's a forest

That's the front porch... and that little drain passses for a pond... everyone's been asking me this... and the answer is, my house is one and a half storey tall... that jutting out portion being the half.

Look! Well... as in water comes out of it

Don't believe me? take a closer look... it's closed up for now, and I am definitely not opening it.

Room that I used to sleep in... now my sis's...

Preview of the books to come.... spot the Harry Potter...

My room.... I know, rather, rather messy....

Finally.... yet more books! At last count, I have over 300 books in my house, of which 200 are on these shelves... no kidding! I need to get more bookselves!

Playing hard to get

A couple of recent conversations and with friends and a certain encounter with a colleague prompted this blog... was just having a chit chat about past relationships and it just appeared that in every relationship, one party just has to "foot in more". How do I interpret that? Essentially, a relationship establishes it's own equilibrium else the relationship will just not take off. However, in very few rare instances would a relationship reach equilibrium at the 50-50 mark. More often, if you carried out a survey, there would be a party that loves more, sacrifices more, etc. Interesting, isn't it, that we than call this state equilibrium. :)

Of course, the second part of the conversation than went on to the fact that one tends to only like what one can't get. This is really a human trend... for some reason or other, one likes the unattainable. If a girl or guy comes on to you too strongly, the tendancy is for you, despite any initial attraction, to shrink away. However, in the event that you only get a lukewarm response, you interest would be sparked. What is wrong with us humans... do we just like being tortured?

I've always thought that the most successful "players" that I've met are those who have had a good grasp of judging when to seize or desist. Think there is a good reason why playing the field is often referred to as "fishing" as well. A sound understanding of when to play hard to get, and when to pursue often results in catching the fish. Funny thing is, I think most gals I know do realize that this is but a technique, but often enough, we find ourselves being baited.

Had one of these experiences lately, when I witnessed someone practicing this technique. Was interesting to observe, and I cannot help but think that some guys are just naturals at this craft. Over the course of my work life (it just feels so long), seen a few cases of true naturals, and I cannot help but wonder what spurs them on. Is the thrill of the hunt that enticing? Oh well, to each his own. For me... it works well as long as I am not the prey.

Oh... footnote... finally posted the pics of the dive log I drew! Just love the little gal on the cover...

Vday has come and gone

Did anyone notice the amazing number of taxis that were present along Orchard Road at about 10pm last night? I think the taxi uncles must be having a field time... since the first day of chinese new year, the crowds have all but disappeared from Orchard Road.

So what did I do on Val's day? Hee... I went for drinks with a colleague and a good friend @ the Loof? It was really really funny. I met quite a number of people at the lift lobby whilst waiting for my colleague. And everyone was asking... what are you doing here? And I replied... waiting for P (who is a girl). And I could see the look on everyone's face... the isn't she supposed to have a BF look? Hilarious indeed. And mean me did not say anything further to solve the perplexity in everyone's mind. Aren't we all so inherently gossipy. :)

Actually did enjoy my little all gals out vday. Think a part of me just loves introducing friends to one another. A very simple logic. If I can get along with someone, it's most probably because we are all "kindred spirits" to quote Anne Shirley. And it stands that one kindred spirit should get along with another, or so goes my way of reasoning. And... it always is nice to have another friend to talk to... and to complain with...

So, perhaps yesterday was the start of a few more drinking sessions to come? Received a "present" on v day... of sorts, what is is? The two gals yesterday are in the know... but as for the rest, will just post it up when the time is ripe. For now, need to go write notes and clear work before that presentation at 10am... *yawn*

My colleagues are dropping like flies

Had this really long post that I was formulating for the past few days, but have kinda lost steam and so it is now on the shelf of oblivion. Mayhaps I'll come back to it someday... but for now...

For those who have not heard, the past few days in my department have been drama filled. In the last week, there have been a total of four resignations, out of my department of 12 people currently. And... my boss and my support staff are numbering in those statistics... what does this mean for me? A whole lot of work I guess...

For some reason or other, the work load in this department has always been skewed. It appears as though the department has always been divided into two groups: those that can only do specific work as specified in the job description, and those that can have endless work heaped onto them. No guesses then which category the resignations came from. Thus, although the resignations should only count for a third of the workforce, in actual fact, I think our staff strength has been halved.

What can I say... this actual links back to that incomplete post of mine... still think that to a certain extent all these resignations can be controlled, if only the people on top actually feel that there is a need to do something about it... but I guess they don't... and why so? Because small fries are always dispensible... *sighs*

A few more ramblings

Not feeling like "long blogs" lately... is it because I don't have much to write about? Or is it coz I am too lazy... hee... but more part blogs:

Point 1
It has been confirmed.... I officially dread work... not really because I got so many urgent things to do, but because so much of my stoopid "doing for the sake of doing" work has suddenly changed status to urgent. And yes, I left them hanging for a very good reason: was hoping that the adrenaline of trying to meet deadlines would propel me to finally getting them done. But... haha, doesn't seem to be working. Point to self, next two / three months are going to be really busy with the system upgrade and year end closing. However, after that, need to seriously consider what are my short term, mid term and long term goals. Growing up just ain't fun.

Point 2
I went book mad this weekend! Yes, I had a long weekend... took the day off yesterday, and spent some time with the family (CNY is a never ending process I swear), spent some time with ze friends (until 4am on friday nite.. no prizes for guessing what we were doing), and I popped over to trustworthy sunny to stock up on my books. Ended up grabbing like 10 books (Jules commented that it's less than usual... bleah!), of which one was the Anne Bishop Jewel series newest release (happiness!) , and if that wasn't enough, happened into Woodlands library (it is huge) and left with P.G Wodehouse's Jeeve's Omnibus 1&2 as well as short introduction to Plato! Left the library with a huge grin on my face... Wodehouse has written so many many books... and I am hooked... if I were to rent the lot, the hole in my pocket would be substantial indeed. Tried looking for the books at other libraries, as well as Project Gutenberg (the other highlight of my life), but what with my penchant for reading books in chronological order, it has been tough to say the least.

Point 3
Okay... last point before I continue reading my email... yes, the special day has come and gone. And nope, I did not finish my project... however, I suspect I gave him something which made him even happier... and what could that be? Hee... there was the Aigner wallet, but more importantly, I think it was the self made dive log! Yes, I drew out a dive log for him... shall see if I can take a photo of it soon and post it up. Which reminds me, actually took the photos of the bee hive and attempted to post it over the weekend, but somehow me computer back home was not quite as agreeable to it. Oh yeah, and for those that were bugging me... nope, no rings were present during the celebration.

Short Ramblings

Was having a chit chat session with a colleague the whole morning so do not really have the time to blog. As such, this has to be a short post with various ramblings:

Number One

The bees invaded my house on 2nd day of CNY! They just decided that the ledge just outside my room window was perfect for a new home! Cannot believe how fast they settled down. All in like half an hour... Unfortunately, the pest control eradicated them before I had the opportunity to take a good picture.

Number Two

It's a collegaue's last day today. A little gal that I'm quite fond of. And I know for sure that there are gonna be a lot more to come. Things are getting a tad demoralising now. Coz although there has been resignations in the company, this is the first from my department.

Number Three
Chit chat this morning was with yet another colleague... she's gonna tender too! This resignation has direct effects on me... can see her work flowing over to me already. Oh well, these few months are meant to be the really busy period anyway... so bring it on. Funnily enough, I actually told her to go... as I really think the new job has a lot more opportunities than the current one. At least you feel as though you are putting your few years of work experience to good use. :)

It seems like this is the period for changes and upheavals. Never imagined when I started this blog that there can be so many things to write about... ;) should really make interesting reading when the years pass....

A tiff with ze parents

Yup... I've finally done it... lost my cool last night and had a good rowdy tiff with the ze parents... what was it about? Hmmm... I really dunno, but seriously, had thought that it was all over and done with. Not for me to figure why double standards exist in this world. Right now, just plain tired, and not feeling well. Really wanted to stay at home today, but oh well, work is work.

The good thing about having a tiff with parents at this ripe old age? You don't need to stay home after. So yes, after so many many years, I was finally able to leave my house at 11 to get a breath of fresh air to cool down! Yippie...

Irony of it all, I came back at 12 and my sis was not back yet. If I had dared to pull a stunt like that in my uni days, I think world war III would have happened. Oh well, like I said... welcome to reality: double standards prevail.

Chinese New Year is kinda special to me

So... four days really just passed by in a flash. And despite being kinda sick (am still coughing), I did manage to meet up with alot of people, attend many a gathering... and yes, ate quite a bit of pineapple tarts (I can't help it!!!) I think that one of the biggest differences this year for me was the number of friend's places that I visited. In the past, CNY was "family time"... it was visiting grandparents, parent's friends, and on occassion dad's clients, so on and so forth. This year, well... I did my fair share of visiting too! Kinda cool... now my friends have houses of their own too! And it was nice seeing how everyone decorated their little nest... and to sample a certain steamboat prepared by a certain individual and her hubby. :)

Anyways, CNY in a way marks an anniversary for me. For some reason or other, mayhaps because of the barrage of family commitment, it has always been a more emotionally taxing period for me, as it really does test my ability to plan my time around family and friends. For me, this period a few years ago was when I started a new stage of life I suppose. Wonder how many reading this remembers that I was almost kicked out of the house on one particular CNY eve, all because I wanted to go out for two hours to settle some personal matters. Well, must admit that these few days, had a lot of old memories coming back to me... some good, some bad. Things that I have tucked away at the back of my mind, locked away. Quite overwhelming really... and so yeah, had a mini breakdown the other night. Once again, a special someone was there, listening to me, and I guess... making me appreciate his presence.

End of it all... that particular CNY was when I started trying to handle my life a different way... picking up the little pieces, and slowly trying to build my little life back. Occassionally, there are hiccups, and I take a few steps backwards, but I do think that after all this time, there has been some improvement. In a way, at least now I am willing to think about the past, and do a postmoterm of what I have done?

So what brought on this spate of rambling? Well, it appears as though a good friend of mine is coming to a crossroads with regards to her relationship. Guess all I wanted to say to her is, yes girl, I think I do understand why you are clinging on. However, I really do think that at some point you need to figure out what you want in life. We can't all be superwomen, and it is not possible to want everything. You will be surprised how things are alot clearer once you've set yourself a direction...

Oh yeah... that little project of mine... it's gonna be a rush trying to finish it! Die!