Home again ... Manila

Finally a breather on a Saturday morning. Randomly fiddling with my comp after just having breakfast. Feels rather comfortable actually. Except that this is not Singapore.

Trip number three / four? this year to Manila. Even the colleagues in the office are starting to feel as though I blend in. My Singapore colleagues are amused at the way I walk in and out of the malls and weave around the small roads get to the office. And honestly I do feel at home. And right now, I wish there wasn't a flight back in a few hours time. Would not have minded the opportunity to go exploring once again. I sleep well here as the hotel feels like home. Enough nights here that I know where every light switch is, I know there will always be enough water, connectivity and fruits to keep me happy.

This year has been kind of flurry. I know I have been travelling out of the country at least once a month, and often enough once every other week. Next week it's KL and BKK again. And it's tough. In contrast to the past where I would be rooted in some country for a few weeks, these short trips are draining. Back to back meetings and normal work at night. Not just the hours, but for me, this takes the fun out of the travelling. I like walking around, just taking in the atmosphere, walking the shops, seeing how taste varies countries to countries. And I like mornings like this. Where I am not in a rush, just sipping my coffee, watching BBC or listening to music. And spewing out my thoughts.

Step ups are always daunting. And some part of me reminds me that I am not as old as I sometimes feel. In terms of work life span, there are still many years ahead, just like there are years to my bank mortgage. To expect that I should start plateauing in my challenges to myself might just be a bit premature. For the past few months, have been a little resistant to the demands that I up my ante as I struggle to find my equilibrium between comfort zone and justifiable requirements. Then I heard about a new colleague who is well a more senior person not fitting in. And I guess maybe I was just a little bit naive to think that one can stop growing and expect to survive in a corporate culture. Even on a basic level, the rilakummas, little twin stars and snoppy stationery can be ammunition to question my ability to perform a more senior post, what more response rate, sociability, ability to bring across my thoughts at each meeting with minimum preparation. Not everything is a blog where I can delete, erase, rephrase at will and to a limited audience of my choice.

There is something amusing though that I find about my experiences. I am growing and revising my thoughts by the day / weeks / months. And as I change, I can see others around me changing too. But I am also growing quieter. The stark difference I always find between the 17 year old me and the current me is that I become less and less vocal about the ramblings of my mind. Something bothers me, I wait for it to pass. Something irks me, I complain but in a light manner. The difference then is the reaction of those around me. Those that understand I think are those that are in a similar situation. And then there are those that just keep pushing me. As I struggle to cope, they sound victimized by my absences. It's really rather amusing. But the one failure about me is that patience is sorely lacking. And slowly but surely I know that inside my feelings also change.