Fertility and other Random Thoughts

Was at the doctor’s last week and flipping through a medical magazine. The featured article touched on fertility and the different ways of alternative conception available for couples in Singapore these days. One of the lines that caught my attention was the “guidelines” for when a couple should seek alternative “help”. This was defined as when a couple has had frequent (i.e. 2 or 3 times a week) intercourse for a year without successful conception. I admit, I was rather taken aback. That’s more than a hundred failed attempts! And yet… with each new drama serial, there is the “unwanted” pregnancy which occurs with just one attempt. And yes, I know, that in reality, that does happen as well. Not for the first time I wondered how fate/god/higher being deals out the rights to be a parent to each individual.

And that brought me to this thought… Now that I’ve reached this old age of 30 and with the upcoming CNY, I’ve found myself having to answer the “when is it your turn” question. And almost like a robot, I would go… “nah, not grown up yet”. At times I am tempted to just go “when the time is right, you won’t need to ask” or something equally flippant/rude. But truthfully, have I considered this question? It’s complicated…

Which brought me to this next thought… Was checking out horoscopes with the gang via email, and we were commenting on certain very apt predictions. And there was just this little “click” sound that went off in my brain. There are just many coincidences around… all of which would seem very uncanny. The period before V day each year oft happens to be a time of emotional turbulence, and hence a period where my “aunt agony” skills are in high demand. Can that be explained by the subconscious effort of each individual to reflect on their relationship during this “love filled” season? These few years, I have oft realized that the beginning of each year is also when the announcement of upcoming “new additions” to the family start as well. Does this have to do with the fact that Dec is traditionally a lull month for most people, and thus giving rise to more “successful” conception attempts? But how many people are actually capable of taking on this responsibility?

Well… this year there was a kind of a twist… I seem to be suffering from an aunt agony overload. So much so that I can’t figure if break ups are good, marriages are bad, babies break up relationships, and horoscopes are just a tad of rubbish. Was having a conversation with the BEB and we touched on terminating pregnancies due to “scientific” reasons, i.e. when there appears to be a chance that the babe will be “disadvantaged” at birth. For once, I found myself in agreement with him. Mayhaps, I have developed a form of that nonchalance after all. But then it brings me back to square one: is it fair to terminate / give up the chance of bringing a wee one to the world when there are so many others who so dearly wish for just one successful attempt?
Thought I’ll just end this post with a song that has been on “repeat” in my head ever since I watched the you tube clip of it… 我恨我爱你

面带微笑离开你怀里 我听天由命
最後一张王牌在手里 二选一的机率
不能放纵爱你 就放过自己
爱情已过了甜蜜期 多说也无益
爱不爱我已经没关系 一点小伤而已
你可以很放心 我不枫陉F留你
假装可怜兮兮 都怪我 太不争气
我恨我爱你 Oh~ 我爱你
只是因为你是你 Oh~ 我恨你
你有我看也看不清的小聪明
你有我说也说不完的坏脾气
你有我数也数不尽你的┅.新恋情
没关系┅
我有你拿也拿不走的旧回忆
我可以一个人安静的忘记你
我恨你最後那一句 我爱你

Just happened to watch this mtv... brings me back to the times of secondary school, very Aaron Kwok. Very sad mtv, would anyone be happy with this form of existence?

我可以为你挡死　- 潘美辰

说我没有资格　和你谈恋爱　

我的背景　我的过去　有点坏

曾经伤害过的人　梦靨后才明白　

你对我无动于终　我活该

我想老天爷会　刻意有安排　

在我沮丧时再刺一刀　

狠狠让我醒来

如果我真的不值得　

让你信赖　给我机会　

我愿生生世世等待 ※爱　

总是那么无奈　

当时以为我找不到爱 (哦)

后来我淌了一大堆浑水　才发觉　

原来我还有爱(我只为你而存在)

我可以为你挡死　

你说要不要 胸口烫的伤　

我一人都来扛　

没什么我不敢(别说我不敢)

我可以为你挡死　

你知不知道

我对爱的信仰　是一辈子信仰　

绝不会间断

就算牵不到你的手　我也无憾　

就(只要)让我祝福你一切无恙

我就是要为你挡死　别

说我不敢 胸口烫的伤　

我一人都来扛　

鬼门关走一趟

我可以为你挡死　你知不知道

我对爱的信仰　是一辈子信仰　

绝不会间断 就算牵不到你的手　

我也无憾　

只要让我祝福你一切无恙

就算牵不到你的手　我也无憾　

只要让我祝福你一切无恙

My Songs - 不再说

So the little bunny was doing some major spring cleaning... and she came across this song... a song written for me by a very old hall friend after hearing my nonsense for the upteenth time. Well, the little girl did something that I've always wanted to do but never did... she typed out the lyrics of the song. So, for the memory board, here it is:

爱要怎样才能够明白
不是一言两语三句就能说出来
梦要何时才能醒过来

不是梦醒就能忘掉所有伤害
你要何时才能停下来

不是哭过就能够把痛苦都掩盖

你要何时才能站起来

请你牵着我的手静静地听我述说

不再说你有多伤悲

不再说你有多抱歉

不再把从前的往事和诺言拿出来

当成是你的亏欠
不再说你还在思念

不再说你没有永远

我会把 我双手放在你的肩

告诉你还会有明天

我永远会在你身边

Once I heard the song, I realised that I was wrong... used to tell the girls that S was the only one who I told everything to, who I could just "break down" and tell all. Then I realised I was wrong... for that period in my life where S was refusing to talk to me ... yes, amazingly there WAS such a time... M was there. Incidentally, just dropped him a friendster message the other day! Have not talked to him in years, ever since he started concentrating on his career and marriage. Hee. Should meet up soon. After all, his room was the one in which I spent many a hall night in, listening to him on his guitar, playing and singing... drinking beer and erm... other stuff. So yes, after his "rescue" of me from A on that fateful D&D night (another incident that I totally forgot about), I definitely made a new friend.... someone with whom I could be very open to, about my relationships... someone who stood by me.

Funnily, this seems to be the season for remembrance. Long long time ago, someone else wrote me a song too! Haha... I think only S remembers this... it was played on our JC prom night. And, in the spirit of the new year, I dropped him a message on NY's eve after 7/8 years? Hee. So apt right?

Oh well... I guess mayhaps like the little bunny said, although spring cleaning brings about the feeling of 心酸, many bits of it reminds us of the people who have once touched our lives, who have shown us love and care! Guess, it's never too late to say thank you to these special peeps!

And so I had my 2nd late friday... so so so sleepy. But I think the girls had fun *I hope*. Introduced the gang to xmm, now we have one more little girl to add to our buddies!

It's been a while since we hit the clubbing scene, and as usual, it was coz there was an "emergency" of sorts. Am happy to announce that this time round, everyone turned up and L & S were dressed up! Woopie, and we had quite a bit of fun drinking at Wine Bar. The flaming "dare" will stay in my life for sometime to come. The alcohol was flowing (I was tallying up my receipts this morning *gulp*), and there were many many shots consumed. Hee, when the trays arrived, I was quite tickled.

Amazingly, none of the girls got drunk! In fact, I think they had a successful night partying. Hope that they managed to forget the unpleasant stuff for a while, and that the new year also marked the road to recovery. However, I must admit, on the way back, I could not help but wonder, am I immune? Or... am I always meant to be trouble free? Would anyone care? I seem to be stuck in my state of watching but not feeling of late. Hee... and then my phone rang, it was a simple text that said "home safe?" 'twas enuff to warm my heart... and I kinda thought, little obstacles in life can always be overcome.