Birthdays

Birthdays have always been an important part of family time. My photo albums and lappie are full of photos of birthday cakes, evidence of the "grace" in which dad, mum, sis and myself have grown older. I have so many memories of my own birthdays usually spent abroad, as this would be my "birthday" present, but really because my birthday falls during the school holidays. Until this year. Due to some "unpleasantry"? the parents are not spending their birthdays in Singapore this year. Why? I guess, because, just like me, they have too many memories of happy birthdays spent together as a family unit.

Dad's birthday is coming up on Friday, but the parents will be off to China tomorrow (or rather later this morning). Of course, not wanting him to feel totally forgotten, I tried to organise a more muted form of a birthday celebration even though they turned down my offer to bring them out for a nice dinner. Knowing that they did not want a traditional birthday cake, bought some tarts instead, and still sang a happy birthday song. There and then, it did feel kinda still like a celebration, whispers of past happy celebrations. But now as I sit alone at home, well.... it's no longer as easy to keep the tears from flowing. For this very moment, I wish so much to be a little kid, to just say, I want things to be the way it used to be.... not the way they are now.

It's been 8 months now? A long time for a family to have something looming over their heads, a long time to see my parents still being unable to pick themselves up from the disappointment, to see them avoiding the home which means so much to them. There's little I can do, really, it's one of those situations where effort does not equate results, and there's no right course of action. But still, I know I have to be the voice of reason when speaking to them, to always try and coax the occasional smile and laugh. And so I spend my time telling stories of the various characters at work, and there are some good times.

Have only been emo about this twice. Once very early on, straight after mum poured out her heart to me. There and then, I just felt so helpless. And today, for no real reason, except the realisation that I won't be able to really properly celebrate dad's birthday. Next family birthday will be mine. I already know my birthday wish. That things would miraculously sort itself out .... coz as of now, there does not seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.