Self Pity

That's pretty much my current state. Didn't the horoscope say that the current year should be good for those born in the year of the goat? Hmm... why then am I suffering from a bout of never get better illness? Hiaz... there are times like now when I feel quite miserable... no mood to work, shop, play, blog, read. Sitting at home alone ain't very fun... but there's only that much sleeping one can do. *Sobs* And knowing that there's a pile of work waiting for me just does not make me feel any better. Hmmm... yup, definitely whining.  

Being Sick

makes you nonsensical. Have been down with a bout of something undefinable this week. As a result have been pretty much puking my guts out, and have been functioning as part of a throughput system. Being pretty much sick of being sick (pun anyone?), I decided to finally see the doctor. Ended up spending quite a bit of time watching tv, and promptly got hooked on this TVB drama, Hero. 

Coincidentally, yesterday's episode featured the female lead being sick... and she thus commented that being sick makes one's mind wander, and often such "wanderings" have a negative impact, in other words, one is given to negative thoughts when one is sick. I think I suffered from an extreme bout of that yesterday... and certain poor things had to bear the brunt of my nonsense. *Sorry* Always knew I was a bad patient, but it's often worse when I have nothing to channel my energy to.

Was actually getting on Jules nerves last night coz I was so restless... don't like being stuck at home, but can't go out... but I think he did something quite sweet yesterday. Knowing that I don't like my mum knowing that I wasn't well, he collaborated with me to hide the fact from my mum *Hee*

Anyway, back to my random wanderings. Last night I kinda remembered the last time I was this sick... maybe more than four years back? That particular incident kinda helped me to realize something... wonder what lessons I'll learn his time round.

The Week in a Blaze

Sprinting, running... oh my, it's Sunday again? Where has my entire weekend gone to? Well, well, well, there are times when sleeping at 5am / waking at 5am still does not give me sufficient time to complete all my various wants. Have you ever thought about how much time simply flies by when we are seated in front of the computer... reading friend's blogs, looking at Facebook updates, or even just clearing the tons of junk mail that floods our inboxes? I am always amazed. A week without checking my hotmail, and lo and behold, I've got like 100+ mails... 

And then there's the housework. I am now in wonder at the amount of clothes that I wear. It appears as though we work our washing machines full time. Then comes the ironing... Jules attempted to iron his own shirts yesterday whilst I was out... the output was quite funnie. This is my way of disclaiming responsibility for his definitely unkempt appearance that will occur in the next two weeks. 

Past week has been a busy one indeed as I contrived to wrap up all my Chinese New Year visiting, wrap up as much as possible that one hateful assignment. To think that I could have escaped that assignment, but foolishly, sometime back in November (oh, so long ago), I thought that I could take it in my stride, and just accomplish it. 

Celebrated V-day with the gals. It was a simple dinner with L, S and PR. Hee.. think we are making it a habit to hang out together on that day. It's nice really. Shall we make a date for Feb 14th 2009 already? Was too tired out to spend the night out, plus I had a headache again. Hiaz.. 

Gave my boss a "V-Day" prezzie... in the form of my goodbye letter. Yup, that's one decision finally made and settled. Think I managed to shock everyone. Hmmm... I even managed to shock myself! Not too sure if the decision was the best one, or that I accepted the right job... but then, as I told ze boss, life is really about gambles right? And at some point of time, you just need to trust your instincts. I think he took it pretty well, and yes, I told him that I still am very grateful to him for bringing me in. Think in many ways, I did enjoy my two years here. Haha... perhaps it's coz to date, I do think that all my eforts have been somewhat acknowledged. And it has definitely been a place for me to exercise my paltry brain cells. Think I will actually look back fondly at my time here... 

Went over to L's house yesterday for our yearly CNY gathering. It was different this year somehow. Maybe coz the little bunny brought her little B over, maybe coz the two older men were without their other halves coz they had their respective big tiffs earlier, maybe coz the Skunk had his own disgruntled other half around. Just lying on L's bed, I could not help but wonder whether we will always be able to hang out... you know, as all of us get older and have our own families, are we still gonna place each other high on our priority list? These peeps have been an integral part of my life for like the past many years... could I actually do without these "pillars of strength"? Had this conversation the other day which actually made me more hurt than I let on... although I did realize it's part of the decisions that we have to make in life. 

In the midst of our little gathering and playing with the little baby, I started wondering what it would be like to have a little wee one of my own. My conclusion? Haha... does not really matter since I've just committed myself to not thinking of it for the next two years. Smile.  

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Bringing things into perspective

It's funny how an entire four and a half days of eating and late nights have passed, and I've not had the inspiration to blog. And then, midst way through a discussion with my client, I suddenly had a NEED to put thoughts into writing, else I'll burst. But then again, am bursting from all the food consumed anyway.

The BEB passed me a copy of the book during lunch one day. He had watched the movie and had a feeling that I would enjoy the book. Being left to my own devices last night, I decided to take a read. And I absolutely loved the book. It's going way up onto my list of favourite books. Heartfelt. Tear-jerking. Optimist. Never say die. Whimsical. Strong. Human. Witty. Real. There are just so many words that I can use to describe the book, but I think that the best compliment I can pay it is that reading the book, I was forced to stop and take stock of my own life, and to weigh the things that matter. And that it takes a very brave man with a love for life to write a book in the condition that he is in.

The book is about Jean-Dominique Bauby, a man who suffers from "locked in syndrome", the after effects of a stroke that left him completely paralyzed. His only ability to communicate is this system of having someone read off the alphabet and him affirming the correct alphabet by blinking his eye. Can you imagine slowly "dictating" a whole book in this manner? My respect for him knows no bounds. Not just so coz he wrote the book, but because of his determination to not give up on life. Funnily enough, I've never really feared death. In all the times that I've contemplated the notion of death, of suicide, my biggest fear was not dying, but to be stuck forever in the state of limbo, half death, half life.

There are just so many different excerpts from the book that I would like to quote. But, my few particular favs:

I am fading away. Slowly but surely. Like the sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear, I watch my past recede. My old life still burns within me, but more and more of it is reduced to the ashes of memory.

"Want to play hangman?" asks Theophile, and I ache to tell him that I have enough on my plate playing quadriplegic. But my communication system disqualifies repartee: the keenest rapier grows dull and falls flat when it takes several minutes to thrust it home. By the time you strike, even you no longer understand what had seemed so witty before you started to dictate it, letter by letter. 

My heart is not in the game. Grief surges over me. His face not two feet from mine, my son Theophile sits patiently waiting - and I, his father, have lost the simple right to ruffle his bristly hair, clasp his downy neck, hug his small, lithe, warm body tight against me. There are no words to express it. My condition is monstrous, iniquitous, revolting horrible. Suddenly I can take no more. Tears well and my throat emits a hoarse rattle that startles Theophile. Don't be scared, little man. I love you.  

There's loads more that I could bring up. Love the chapter where he talks about shaving his dad. Wonder how the movie version is like. Am drawn to this book coz he makes every single word count. How would the movie version be able to translate this short 130 page into a full film? Mayhaps I will find some time to go watch it.

Well, reading the book helped me clear up at least 1 of the crossroads that I was facing. Have finally made a decision. Next chapter in life, coming up. 

Inspiration

"My evil genius Procrastination has whispered me to tarry 'til a more convenient season"

- Mary Todd Lincoln

That has gotta be "me" personified. I have been dragging my feet at this report. It's in scatters though I have been working on it for like, forever. In betweens writing the report, I have been blogging, sending emails, reading emails, watching tv, reading my book. (Essentially, just about anything but typing the report)

For someone who does not have any reservations about writing, am not really sure why this report is so darn difficult to write. There is zilch inspiration. As such, each day passes, and I assure myself that I will get it done the very next day. And I keep buying myself time.

Currently, I have convinced myself that everything is about inspiration, and the difficulties lie in finding the right source of inspiration. Smile. Yes. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable that I spend my time msning Miss L whilst in search of THE feeling.