So much emotion

Have not written anything in more than 2 weeks athough there have been so many "random posts" that have been fleeting past my head. Have been longing for the chance to put these thoughts to paper... but alas... the perennial complain strikes again... I have no time!!!

The clock is seriously ticking, and I realised that I have nary 3 more weeks to go before my purported big day. Unfortunately, try as I might, I cannot always gather that feeling of elation.

Honestly, I feel "let down". Not sure if it is with myself, my family, my friends or Jules. Guess some could call it pre-wedding jitters, or, it could just be the realisation that I cannot do everything myself, and then realising that I am all alone.

As fate would have it, some of the people whom I would love so much to have at my wedding aren't going to be there... and that's sad... People like the little bunny who has seen so much of my life... feels wrong that she won't be there for the big day.

Was looking at a friend's wedding photos... we were from the same hall, so, there were a lot of familiar faces. I guess that's when I realised that for my own wedding, there will be a huge chunk of my life missing. If I were to compare my 21st birthday photos with the wedding photos, the attendees will be quite different indeed. Guess it really struck me then that when I cut M from my life back then, I lost more than just him.

Of course things are not all bad... and I know that there will be alot of things that will turn up well. Like my wedding cards... am glad that all my recipients could easily identify the cards with me. :) As the tortoise said, it's "open the envelope, smack on the forehead" me. And if my guests are "obedient", I will get to see them well decked out. Am so looking forward to that.

Being affected

It's funny how we are always affected by the opinion of others.

Collected my wedding pictures just the other day. Must say that I was rather excited about seeing them... after all, how often do I dress up and take pics! When Jules and I first saw the pics, we noted the usual flaws... dress not fitting, crow feet showing, etc... but I think we were pleased, or at least I was. :)

Then I brought the photos home and showed them to my mum... hiaz, she did not come out right to say that they weren't pretty... but it was evident on her face. Implicit in all that was the "you cannot even take your wedding pictures properly"... in other words, I have failed again.

Maybe all these years should have taught me something, but I confess that I ended up being disappointed in myself again. So much so that I told Jules something along the lines of "dear, maybe we should not display our wedding photos at our wedding". His reaction was quite funny :) but yes, I think he was surprised. Truth to speak, so was I... never really thought that I would still want my mum's approval this badly.